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I love being married. It`s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
The best thing about falling down when you`re home alone is that you can just lie on the floor and take a nap.
Excessive consumption of alcohol seems like a good idea.
Imagine how much faster Olympic sprinters could run if they saw their wives going through their phones at the finish line
is cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.
I`m honestly convinced some women do not fart. They just hold it in, and it comes out as drama.
You say I’m dirty minded, but how did you understand what I meant?
When I die, bury me with a pack of smokes, no light. Where I`m going, there will have plenty of free fires to light from.
My dentist said I grind at night. I was like, ok stalker.
My problem is that all food is comfort food
Just assume that we aren’t close enough for you to send me a game invites on Facebook.
If you expect the world to be fair with you because you are fair with them....its like expecting a lion not to eat you because you don`t eat lion.
Ladies, I hate to break this to you, but curves and rolls are not the same thing.
Wow, that Macy`s parade is crazy! The Kanye West float just cut off Snoopy and said Woodstock can fly better!
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex. Now it`s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.