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Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
JOKE OF THE YEAR: Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business.
I can`t believe The Stones are still doing it after all these years. Someday I want to have a marriage like Fred and Wilma.
My "Do Not Disturb" facial expression is not working today.
Feeding my kid cold pizza. They will be off to college soon and preparation is the key to success.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there`s a home invasion the intruder will think I`m part of the team.
I might get a job cleaning mirrors,its a job I can see myself doing.
A small child called 911 upon seeing a zebra because he thought a horse escaped from jail
Stop calling them rednecks. The term is NASCAR-Americans. Y`all.
Does shaking the vending machine count as working ...
if it has tits or tires sooner or later it will give you problems.
You know its Monday when your left eye wont open and your right eye is twitching.
Hi you`ve reached my voicemail,,, Please leave your name, number and a damn good reason why this conversation couldn`t be done over text
Arguing in sign language must be a workout.
What I’m really looking for in a friend is loyalty. And a pool. Mainly just a pool.