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Shouldn`t there have been one scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel`s mom was like "Why are you constantly in that old man`s shed?"
"This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in a long line, loudly, at amusement parks
Judge: I`ve decided to give your ex-wife $350/month for child support. Me: That`s very generous. I`ll try and kick in a little myself.
I`d like to give a big shout-out to all my hard of hearing friends!
I wonder how much a zebra would cost if you scan it…
I read in the Bible that people used to get stoned to death, that`s a lot of weed.
When you buy Halloween candy to hand out as an adult, it`s like you are paying for all the free candy you got when you were a kid.
Pregreening - creeping forward while waiting for a red light to change.
Studies show that people who want tribal tattoos are directly related to living under a rock
Every conversation should come with a snooze button. That way if you`re being too boring, I can push a button and keep you from talking for the next 10 minutes.
Pretty busy today. Was only able to check my phone 1400 times.
uncle Sam can`t be related to me because family wouldn`t do me like this.
Good friends don’t let you do dumb things… alone.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you`re doing it.
What`s the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don`t know and I don`t care.