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While everyone may not speak the same language, we all know what time McDonald’s stops serving breakfast.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
I called one of those numbers in the bathroom stall and my wife answered. Very funny guys.
Immature is a word boring people use to describe fun people.
Just heard about the Obamacare deadline and I`m freaking out. I have so many questions. Who is Obama?
This is a private status. Please don`t tell anyone about it.
Now that I`m on Facebook, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Don`t tell me I have to say "Happy Holidays" so nobody gets offended. I will "Merry Christmas" the sh!t out of you.
That moment you realize that the person who proofread Hitler`s speeches was indeed a Grammar Nazi.
If I would have known there would be a Facebook, I would have written "f*ck off forever" instead of "keep in touch" in your yearbook.
Dear naps, I`m sorry I was such a jerk to you as a kid.
There`s a time and a place for alcohol ... In my hand and now.
Being a Zombie doesn`t sound that bad. You don`t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
Never piss off the person that cooks your dinner ... EVER!
I start every morning with a simple affirmation: I will not murder anyone today.