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If you have a dog grooming business and it’s not called “Doggie Style” then something is wrong with you.
The future is much like the present, only longer.
My new workout video is 20 minutes of me vacuuming over the same piece of string instead of picking it up.
This prefessor`s nuts. He keeps saying pie is square. I know better, pies are round, cakes are square!
I don`t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
I’m surprised more people don’t Photoshop a cleaner house into the background of their pictures.
20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please dont let Kevin Bacon die!
Having sex is like doing FRACTIONS... It`s IMPROPER for the larger one to be on top.
A lot of attractive people are like nice cars with the check engine light on.
Do good masochists go to heaven, or hell?
I`m often a little confused when people call me insane because, to be honest, I`m still just warming up.
The girl on the flyer is never at the club.
If you forget your hook-up’s name, just take them to Starbuck’s in the morning.
You have 600 friends on Facebook but you have to take your own picture of yourself for your profile photo.
If House of Cards has taught me anything it’s that I need a friend who owns a rib place.