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A recent survey of one person revealed that 100% of me thinks that I should leave work early.
I´m playing that game where the floor is made of lava, so I obviously can´t get off the couch or I´ll die.
Sometimes to much to drink is never enough
Some mornings it`s best just to fill the sink with coffee, dunk you head in, and suck.
I eat tacos over a tortilla so that way when stuff falls out Boom another taco.
BEFORE I GET DRUNK, NAKED,THROWN IN JAIL AND LOOSE MY DAMN PHONE. *HAPPY NEW YEAR.
Some people just need to be clothes lined
I`m no expert, but I`m pretty sure a lot of economic problems could be solved by extending the McDonald`s breakfast menu back out to 11am.
The only thing us men clean at home is our browser history
When you say "9 out of 10 forest fires are caused by humans." All I hear is "there`s a bear out there that knows how to use matches."
Walmart needs observation decks.
Don`t refer to them as voices in your head. Do as the professionals and call them your `team of writers`
Divorce is what happens when two people win an argument.
Being in hot water isn`t so bad if you throw in some bubbles and a glass of champagne.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.