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A sure fire way to lose an afternoon, is to help a friend out when he says "come on it will only take a half hour to fix"
My first mistake was thinking she couldn`t hit a moving target.
im like the government: i spend money on things that aren`t important, and spend most of my time trying to explain to people why i need them.
My definition of" Armed and Dangerous" is: a pissed off wife with a bottle of wine, and the credit cards.
This is the earliest I have ever been late.
Good morning to some...Hello to others...And f*uck you to the rest!!
Sorry, everyone, it looks like my Facebook account was hacked by tequila last night...
People who say, “Happy New Year” to you on the 4th of January are not really your friends.
Scientists have recently discovered that approximately 2% of Earth`s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
Any fool can use a computer ... Many do
I was standing in front of the mirror earlier, admiring my six pack for hours. But it got really warm so I put it back in the fridge.
Jesus, take the wheel. Carlos, you take the stereo & I`ll take lookout.
I never let anyone see me eat junk food. Not because I`m afraid they will judge me. I just don`t want to share.
Sorry I missed your call. I was peeing and had both hands full.
I lost my ladder when I was very young but I was fortunate to have such a great step-ladder to raise me ...anytime I couldn`t reach anything