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World Cup Soccer? If I wanted to watch someone struggle to score for 90 minutes, I`d go watch some of my single friends at the bar.
"You`re right I`m sorry. You`re right I`m sorry. You`re right I`m sorry. You`re right I`m sorry" - me practicing for a successful relationship.
I was getting really depressed today but then I realized double cheeseburgers exist
Jehovah`s witnesses tell the worst knock, knock jokes
What if God is a woman. Not only will I be going to Hell, but I`ll never hear the end of it.
It`s amazing how I come up with my best status updates when I`m in the shower or when I`m driving. I think it has a lot to do with me being naked.
Some mornings I feel like leaving my coffee until its cold enough that I can just pour it directly into my eyes.
I just saw a poster that said, "Have you seen this man?" with a number to call ... So I called the number and told them, "no."
No one your age has any idea what they`re doing either. No matter what age you are.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying "get a load of this guy" every time someone walked in
Bank called asking if my credit card had been stolen. They were concerned because it hadn`t been used at the liquor store since Friday.
If you walk a mile in my shoes the least you can do is leave a pair of yours to wear.
I dont hate you but, if you put `just about to jump off a cliff` as your facebook statuses i would poke you
My plans for GTA 5: Beat the crap outta people, Steal a cops gun, Jack a convertible, Rob a bank, Jump off a building, Go to GameStop, Buy GTA 5
The only difference between McDonald`s and my work is McDonald`s has only got one clown running the show.