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When I woke up today, I had no plans to be awesome, it just happened.
I try to avoid things that make me look fat, like scales, mirrors and photographs!
Why is it that the more annoying the tune, the harder it is to get it out of your head?
You will never find the right person if you do not let go of the wrong one. Call me!
2 cops walk into a bar... I don`t know what happened after that. I got the f*ck out of there.
Sticks and stones, break my bones, but hollow points expand on impact!
Sometimes you can just tell it`s going to be a "Does not play well with others" kind of day.
Does Facebook have a “You’re not smart enough to be talking about politics” button?
You know you`re married when you find her sexier with clothes on.
Still waiting for a criminal on Law and Order to say,,, "Hey,, Aren`t you Ice-T?"
Ironing boards are just surf boards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs.
It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much shit to carry.
If I ever put stuff in storage I`m going to write "gold bars" and "priceless memorabilia" on the boxes just to mess with storage wars.
I’m home alone. Time to start my concert.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.