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"I ran a half marathon" sounds so much better than "I quit halfway through a marathon"
Every day is a struggle between wanting to lose weight and wanting to eat my weight in pizza.
Wish my girlfriend was awake, could really do with a sandwich right now.
Have you guys seen the new documentary about white trash? I only saw the trailer.
This cashier looked at my 12 bottles of weed spray so weirdly, I suspect she`s never broken a lawnmower before.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Monday: A terrible way to spend 1/7 of your life.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you, would actually kill me
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
The hardest part of carving a pumpkin nowadays is finding some newspaper to spread
I just want to be rich enough to be referred to as eccentric instead of crazy.
I have read so much about the dangers of drinking and smoking, that i have decided to quit reading
You don’t have to be drunk to love me, but it helps
I like to read magazines about parenting. That way, I can learn all the things my parents did wrong and I can go back to them and say "See? This is the reason I am like I am."
Let It Snow is my favorite song about people who don`t understand how weather works.