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I don’t have a problem with caffeine.I have a problem without caffeine.
So how long before GoFundMe is our nation`s leading health care provider?
why does a round pizza comes in a square box?
When I was young I could climb mountains, these days I have to steady myself to fart.
Whenever I read: "Do not exceed recommended dose" I always think, "Challenge accepted!"
Dating a woman in 5 easy steps: 1. Be attentive 2. Don`t be too attentive 3. Show interest 4. Don`t show too much interest 5. Seek therapy
Law enforcement`s cracking down on texting while driving, but there`s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Holidays, hotels and women. Three things that always look better online than in real life.
MY 8 YEAR OLD: "Walrus testicles are called walnuts."
Stages of Drunk: 1. Wow. I can dance. 2. All hats look GOOD on me. 3. Shhh. Don`t wake up the cows.
I’m convinced that the employees of McDonalds were just customers who could pay and are working off their bills.
People at work tell me I have a lot of patience. Fact is… there are just way too many witnesses around
"I`ve had so much coffee, I got halfway to work and realized I forgot my car."
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Years ago I asked out the girl of my dreams. Today I asked her to marry me ... She said no both times