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I have a new rule: No one is allowed to talk to me for a minimum of 24 hours after I wake up.
Laundry is like sex in reverse: you drop in a load, everything gets wet, then rolls around and ends up dry and neatly folded.
If you can`t fix it with duct tape or beer ... it ain`t worth fixin`
Childhood is like being drunk: Everyone remembers what you did except you.
We are guaranteed "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness". So, why did happiness get a Lamborghini and I got a `74 Pinto?????
this is a status you spent your time reading: sj
Just watched (insert title of horror movie) and it wasn`t scary at all. The crap in my pants is a pure coincidence.
Pumpkin for sale! [slightly used]
Office Tip: In a pinch a booger and a small piece of copy paper is as good as a post it note.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn`t eat.
Man:Hello doc, my wife is having a baby. Doctor:Is this the first child? Man:No, it`s the husband speaking.
I knew she was about to say something intelligent because she began with, "You once told me..."
Rumors are like fires. No one admits to starting them and before you know it, they`re out of control.
It`s called NASCAR because that`s the way a hillbilly pronounces "nice car"
When you are on a first date and she says to you: "I want you to treat me like a movie star," it is vitally important to establish which type of movie