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is 100% sure that you are looking at my status. (:
Does anyone know where the off switch on a child is? I can’t seem to find it.
"we can still be friend" .. is like saying "The dog died, but we can still keep him"
Don`t worry. Your secret is safe with me. I wasn`t listening anyway.
Normal trees probably look at Christmas trees all dolled up and think .. "Whore"
Beer is good, but beers are better.
I feel so stupid for cashing in my retirement account early. But then I always feel stupid using the Coinstar machine.
I’ll stop being so lazy when being so lazy stops being so awesome.
My wife is a perfectionist but she made an exception in my case.
Is snaxting a thing? Texting each other pics of your snacks? Cause I feel like I’d be pretty good at that.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
I`m at my most likable before you get to know me.
I use a blender to make protein shakes in my office every day. That way when I use it to mix up a pitcher of margaritas no one even notices.
People at work tell me I have a lot of patience. Fact is… there are just way too many witnesses around
According to the 19 citations I got for trespassing and peeping, “neighborhood watch” isn’t what I thought it was.