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I love being married. It`s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
So.. who else is sleeping naked tonight?
*Gets absolutely nothing done*… Welp time for a break.
If a bra is called an `Over the shoulder bolder holder,` then would you call men`s underwear `Under the butt nut hut?`
I was in a taxi and the driver said "I love my job. I`m my own boss and nobody tells me what to do!" I said "That`s really great, now take a left here."
Don`t hate every single one of your friends yet? Get Facebook.
I was all depressed last night, so I called "Lifeline". Got a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck
Porn teaches kids an unhealthy and unrealistic idea of how quickly a plumber will come to your house.
No matter how fast you run, the serial killer always walks faster.
Saw these three things on a corner, in this order: Liquor store, gun store, bank. What could possibly go wrong with that?
Never make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for longer than 6 months.
And remember friends, condoms aren`t always protective....my friend was wearing one and he fell down the stairs
If nothing else, love is nice because it confirms that you do not hate everyone. Just everyone minus one.
A guy had his whole left side torn off, the doctor said he`s all right.
There is no such thing as something looking "Too good to eat"