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If your problem can’t be solved by me saying “damn” and nodding a lot, then you shouldn’t come to me for help.
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When i quized him on it, he reckoned he could stop aaaany time . . . .
Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it’s a brighter day.
I always take a number at the deli, and I`ve been keeping them.... Eventually I`ll have all the numbers and it will always be my turn.
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet. It reminds me of why there is no money in there.
Someone told me I`m immature and need to grow up. Guess who`s not allowed in my treehouse now.
It`s amazing how we are very good lawyers for our own mistakes and very good Judges for other people`s mistakes.
My 13yo just dumped his girlfriend and now he`s attempting to get his hoodie back. He`s in for one hell of a life lesson.
I wonder if there are birds that prefer not to sing in the morning and that just roll around in their nests until noon.
I like when google answers my stupid questions because it means I`m not the only one asking google stupid questions.
According to maxipad commercials, all women are full of blue windshield washer fluid...
Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from your neighbor`s house is genius.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Don`t send me a ;) face and then wonder why I show up at your house naked.
I didn`t come here to make friends. I go to the cat shelter for that.