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They say that being successful and living well is the best revenge. That may be so, but rubbing your naked ass all over someone`s cell phone when they aren`t looking is pretty good too ?
I missed that one episode of The Walking Dead where they show us how the zombies keep everyone`s lawns so freshly mowed.
Every time I walk into a singles bar, I can hear Mom`s wise words: "Don`t pick that up!! You don`t know where it`s been!!"
Just once I wanna see a pregnancy test commercial where the female is like, "Aww, f**k..."
Reasons to get out of bed: None.
Today, I am doing my part to conserve energe, I’m going back to bed.
Unless your "Awesome Sauce" is an actual sauce and it involves putting it on a steak then I don`t want to hear about it.
Improve your memory by doing unforgettable things.
Spring cleaning: The term that gives us an excuse to only clean once a year.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find `em.
My wife asked me to load the dishwasher. So I poured her some shots and told her to start drinking. And that`s how the fight started.
I’m going to rename my wifi network to “Surveillance Van #02?. That should keep the neighbors on their toes for a while.
Ringing in the “New Year” apparently is not a valid excuse for showing up to work 3 hours late… in October.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Are walruses just vampire manatees?