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I once tried sniffing coke, but the ice cubes kept getting stuck up my nose.
People say, “You have to work on a marriage.” I say, “No thank you. I already have a job
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
I don`t have issues... I AM an issue
If we agree, I`m probably being sarcastic ... Or I`m drunk
I`m really easy to get along with, once people learn to worship me.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point when she turned around and found out I was walking her home.
If a 747 can carry a f*cking space shuttle on its back, I’m calling bullsh!t on an overweight baggage charge.
Siri, where are my pants?
"Nothing there? Better bark at it." - my dog
My Status updates are so great people hit the like button twice
I lost my ladder when I was very young but I was fortunate to have such a great step-ladder to raise me ...anytime I couldn`t reach anything
Having a pen!s is like having a friend that always wants to play.
The most impressive thing about marathon runners is how they don’t check their phone for 3 hours.
Holy sh!t Karma, how much longer till we`re all squared up?