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Have you noticed that tire stores never hang big banners that say "Blowout Sale"?
I don’t know if I have a stalker, but if I do, could you drop off some milk. Thanks.
OK. So I danced like no one was watching. Anyone know a good lawyer?
It’s fun to pull someone’s leg… but don’t ever pull their finger.
The best part of waking up is.....wait, I didn`t think this through entirely.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions Note to self...avoid good intentions at all costs.
My favorite drinking game is drinking.
If you feel bad because you didn’t do well on a final, just remember someone from your hometown is still trying to become a rapper.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells "CODE RED, CODE RED" really loud then people scurry like mad.
Reverse cowgirl. Perfect for when you`re horny, but can`t stand to look at each other !
I only drink coffee because cocaine is too expensive.
I like people the most when I`m by myself.
I just had Déjà vu...and you were an asshole both times.
Yesterday I saw something that reminded me of you. I almost stepped in it!
Crazy is not a destination, it is a way of life.