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I love to do housework in the nude. Unfortunately for the neighbours, today I`m roofing.
I love living single, drinking double, and sleeping triple.
A sofa is a vacation for your a$$...
You can stay, but your clothes must go.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
You know you`re old when all of the bands you listened to growing up have several greatest hits albums.
Ice cream is clearly God`s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Happy St. Patrick`s Day! I was going to drink anyway!
If you want funny, get off Facebook and watch the news...
I swear, if one more person calls me an alcoholic they are getting a high five too.
It must be very hard to be a Nigerian lawyer who specializes in international inheritance law.
I wish the guy made of money in the Gieco commercial would ride his motorcycle through my town.
I`m thinking one of us should probably break the news to the phone book makers that there`s this thing called Google now
Every time I see an obese cop, a small part of me hopes he has to chase me.
Dear karma, I have a list of people you missed.