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If you’re not fully satisfied with your life, do something about it. Or complain about it on the internet. Whatever you prefer.
Bumper stickers are helpful for recognizing members of society you do not want to associate with.
Mom: You haven`t moved since I left 5 hours ago? Me: Excuse me, where do you think these chips came from!!???
My favourite part about amazingly hot, energetic, passionate sex. Is being able to rewind the tape & watch it again.
I spent at least half an hour trying to get my girlfriends bra off. I will never try wearing that again.
Step 1: remove food from packaging Step 2: dig packaging out of trash to locate cook time
Always forgive your enemies. Nothing aggravates them so much. But if you really want to piss them off tell them you will pray for their souls.
When someone tells you they are getting a divorce, a high five is not the right answer. Or so I`ve been told, twice now.
i forgot how to put a status ... can anyone help me ?
I`m a very modest person, mostly because I`m awesome.
Opinions are like a$$holes: some people make money by posting them on the internet.
Just when you want to be a good person again , someone new to stalk shows up
If I laugh randomly when you are talking to me, don`t worry, the voices are telling me jokes.
If you`re "just sayin", then just shut the hell up.
I’m trying to read a book about how to relax, but I keep falling asleep