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The speed at which I can prepare food during a commercial break is amazing.
I am so confused. My boss just said "keep up the good work" and I have no recollection of doing any such work.
Note To Self: Even if someone really needs it, strangling them is still illegal.
My mom at night: Good night, sweet dreams I love you. My mom in the morning: Wake the f*ck up you lazy piece of sh!t.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn`t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
I miss being the age when I thought I would have my sh!t together by the age I am now.
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy
Much of my life is a contest to see which of the voices in my head can say the funniest stuff.
"But why?" - Me at weddings
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
my entire life is a "had to be there" moment
Apparently it`s ok to leash your dog to a bike rack, but it`s illegal to leash your kid to one. Parenting is hard...
Before you have any hope for the future of humanity, come and look at how this guy parked.
You know what they say about men with big feet ;)..........We always have trouble finding shoes that fit.
I`m Dave, or as the ladies like to call me... "Hey, you! Behind the bushes!"