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Beer and a 44 magnum with an everclear shot makes everything good like Nintendo
Please don`t hastag out loud...
Why is that in girls tampon commercials they dance and laugh? Shouldn`t they be revving chainsaws and burning sh!t down?
All I`m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
I didn`t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
I finally stopped caring what other people think. I hope everyone`s ok with that.
Life is not fair. But life is not fair for everyone, which actually makes it fair.
Just been wondering what "please Do Not Touch" would be in Braille
They`ve got this brand new machine at the gym. I only used it for about an hour because I started to feel sick, but it`s awesome - it`s got Mars Bars, KitKat Chunkys, Cheetos, crisps.... everything!
My Dr said I am a sex addict. I ask him how he knew and he said you are a man.
Hey, does anyone know which side you`re supposed to wear your fanny pack on? I want to really nail this job interview tomorrow.
Why is the guy who serves you at the restaurant called a waiter, when it is you that is waiting?
Just sneezed 8 times in a row and saw the entrance to Narnia for a split second.
You know what I just realized that in school they teach you not to do what you don`t want to do yet they still give us homework and we get in trouble because we didn`t want to do it ( confused )
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.