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Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
If your lawyer has a ponytail, you`re going to jail
My whole life consists of wondering whether or not to make the sarcastic comment.
There are now 4 sides to every story. Yours, mine, the truth & the Internets version.
The only thing worse than "the one that got away" is the one that won`t go away.
They should really be Middle-Age Mutant Business Turtles by now.
I`m just chilling tonight with my new plane ... Oops, I`ve said too much.
Momma didn`t raise no fool. I did this all on my own.
Sorry I`m late. I had five cups of coffee and became convinced I could probably bend a fork with my mind, so I had to give it an honest try.
I hate it when I have guests at my house and they ask "Do you have a bathroom?" No, we poop in the yard.
When people see ghosts, why aren`t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
I am better off now than I was 4 beers ago...
I wouldn’t pay for a personal trainer, but I would pay someone to just knock unhealthy food out of my hands.
sleep is for people without netflix
Jogging with a stroller is great exercise! And hard work for whoever is pushing me.