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I don`t get along with Hipster kids. Not a fan of the smell of thrift stores.
Instead of torturing people for getting information, why don’t they just get them really drunk?
Funny how things change with time, I used to hate spankings.. ;)
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
I just made a voodoo doll of myself. Can someone take it to the gym?
Today is the first day of the rest of your life, but so was yesterday, and look how that turned out...
went to see the conjuring, and now there`s 10 crosses, four bibles, and a poster of Chuck Norris in my room.
I can sum up my life in three words: “just browsing, thanks.”
I`m a little stumped by this beer to pee volume ratio.
I only have a kitchen because it came with the house.
I bought a pair of Meatloaf underwear today. On the front they say `I would do anything for love`. On the back, `But I wont do that!`
I’m no Dr. Phil, but I bet if you tell at least 5 people to f*ck off today, you’ll feel better.
Staring longingly at the door works for my dog, but I tried it at work and no one let me out. :(
Sorry I wore tear-away pants to your wedding. In my defense I really thought I had on underwear.
These are not pizza stains on my shirt they are pizza memories, wonderful wonderful memories.