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They say the camera adds 10lbs. Stop eating cameras!
If you drink enough, your brain starts photo-shopping people.
Health experts recommend a 1500 calorie diet. For those of you not good with math... that’s a 12-pack of 125 calorie beers. You`re welcome!!! ;)
I’m still waiting for the episode of Storage Wars where there’s a homeless guy living in the unit.
You can tell yourself that Sesame Street is educational but Cookie Monster has lived there for like 40 years and still can’t conjugate verbs.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. Faces like yours belong in the zoo. Don’t be mad, I’ll be there too. Not in the cage but laughing at you.
"Wow, that Hungry Man TV dinner sure lives up to its name!" said no hungry man ever.
My mother is the strongest woman I know. You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Procrastination is a dish best served eventually.
Obesity: When you buy a hula-hoop and it fits you.
Real friends show me their boobs
If all the world´s a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
My biggest fear is that there is no PMS and this is my personality.
Sometimes, half your sh!t is worth it.
People always say, "You can`t have your cake and eat it too." I say, "Of course you can. Just make two cakes!"