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Meetings are 20% small talk, 5% what the meeting is about and 75% wasting everyone’s time.
I don´t like to think of myself as "Special"... I think I would call me a limited edition.
If puppies could talk I would never even want to try and make human friends ever again.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one.
Facebook is like a fridge. When you`re bored you keep opening and closing it every few minutes to see if there`s anything good in it
I wonder if the psycho hitchhiker ever gets picked up by the psycho driver. Now there`s a movie I`d pay to see.
What do you get when you cross a pitbull with a computer? I don`t really know but when it megabytes, it megahertz
According to Pinterest, I`m severely under-utilizing mason jars.
Porn is the only type of entertainment where "not watching the whole thing" means it was good.
My best stories always end with the words ... "and then I got the hell out of there."
Never buy crystal meth from a guy with a full set of teeth. He`s obviously an undercover cop.
Its almost that time again! That`s right, its holiday season! Merry Black Friday sales, and happy spending!
I want to live in a world where it’s never too late for breakfast food and never too early for pizza.
You know you`re getting old when Happy Hour is a nap.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.