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I just had a conversation with my-self...but it just turned into an argument. I think it`s that time of the month...
I noticed the toilet roll incorrectly installed in your selfie.
I saw a poor old lady fall over today, at least I presume she was poor, she only had $ 1,20 in her purse
Don`t give me a sec, give me lots of secs.
Just took a "Try Me" sticker off one of the plush toys at Wal-Mart and stuck it on a condom box.
If life gives you lemons make grape juice than lay back and watch people wondering how you did it;)
I feel like dinner parties are secretly competitions about who watches the most news and documentaries
I always tell the person at the drive-thru that they are so much prettier than I pictured them when I was ordering.
I tell people that the secret ingredient in my cookies is “love,” but it’s actually “floor”
Fact: Turtles can breathe through their butts. And I thought I had bad morning breath.
Save some time and just put your Taco Bell directly in the toilet.
I`d get lost less frequently if GPS would say "no, your other left."
I`m single by choice. Just not my choice.
The only thing more amusing than someone leaving a voicemail is them asking if you actually listened to it.
Tieam... problem solved