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Smelling another person should be a choice. Just sayin’
therapy is expensive...vodka is not. need I say more....
Ladies, not every guy who talks to you wants to bang you. Some of us know that you have booze and snacks in your purse.
I heard lots of bongo noises coming from my loft last night. It sounded very Drum Attic.
After listening to what some people have to say, I am rethinking the importance this whole freedom of speech thing.
Pro tip: The kids run around a little longer if you forget to hide the eggs
I`m so unlucky with women? I visited a massage parlour the other day..and they told me it was "self - service"
I was getting really depressed today but then I realized double cheeseburgers exist
Saw a Mime doing his gig. I reached into my purse and pretended to throw money in his hat.
Sad Fact- Boobie traps seldom involve boobies.
The secret of enjoying a good wine: 1) Open the bottle to allow it breathe. 2) If it does not look like it`s breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth.
My anaconda really doesn`t care if you got buns or not.
I hope all your dreams come true, especially that one where you`re being chased by a giant spider.
The corner of my bathtub is also referred to as "The Shampoo Bottle Graveyard"
Sometimes, my greatest accomplishment is just keeping my mouth shut.