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"Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern." ~ Me at McDonald`s on pay day.
I`m not a doctor but I play one on Match.com
I once peed a girl`s name in the snow, so don`t fcuking tell me I don`t know romance.
A man asks a trainer in the gym: "I want 2 impress that beautiful girl , which machine can I use?" Trainer replies: "Use the ATM"
How long does it take possums to realize when one of them is actually dead?
As I was signing into my email account instead of yahoo.com I typed hayoo.com...nope, it wasn`t right but I got to thinking it would be quite appropriate, afterall, we`re trying to get someone`s attention, right?
Let`s be honest. The only reason you listen to your voice-mail messages is to make the stupid icon disappear
No matter what`s happening there`s always part of me that would rather be taking a nap or drinking.
If you don’t already hate people, the mall is a great place to start.
I`m just 1 nap, 8 beers, 2 orgasms and my own personal robot away from this being the best day ever.
Happy 15th birthday google, 3 more years and you will be able to search for adult sites legally
How I sing it: "A, B, C, D, E, F, G,....H, I, J, K, A LEMON OH PEE!....Q, R, S....T, U, V....W, X....Y, and Z."
I`m at that "licking peanutbutter off a spoon" time to go grocery shopping point....
This Facebook is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch yesterday.