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At least mosquitos are attracted to me.
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity makes for a better legal defense.
You know why you like me ... Cause your f*ckin crazy too!!!
Would a transformer buy life insurance or car insurance?
You question whether you are getting old when your barber asks if your eyebrows need trimming, and you know it when he does it without asking
1 in 5 bosses will let you leave work early if you claim to have `lady problems` then start crying. It works even better for guys.
A "long story" is just a short story that no one wants to tell.
People are like music, some speak the truth and others are just noise.
I`m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
I keep a second pair of shoes at work, I don`t want people to recognize me when I`m pooping.
Trouble is just fun you got caught having.
Sometimes I listen to strangers conversations and mentally give my opinion
Years of education, solving tough problems, handling complex issues, yet we take a while standing before glass doors thinking whether to Push or Pull.
Sweating is for people who do stuff.