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Have you heard about the new movie called constipation? It hasn`t come out yet.
if there wasn´t a last minute I´d never get anything done.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It`s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
I did responsible things all day so tonight will consist of nothing that even resembles responsibility.
Sanity is so overrated. I mean, it`s a nice place to visit, but I wouldn`t want to live there....
"Polar bears can`t jump." - Black bears
Life is like a box of chocolates. Get your own and stay the hell out of mine.
The best way to make a bad day better is by adding alcohol.
I know two wrongs don`t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I`m like on 756.
When I see a cute couple making out I yell, ” I knew you’re seeing somebody else!” and run crying.
We all have that one friend that needs to learn how to whisper.
If anyone ever tells you your dreams are silly, remember there’s some millionaire walking around who invented the Pool Noodle.
Insanity does not run in my family. It strolls through, taking it`s time and getting to know each one of us personally.
That awkward moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, Knock over a lamp, and kill a cat.
The Super Bowl is over, everyone. Time to briefly learn the names of some Winter Olympians.