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Facial recognition software can pick out a person in a crowd, but this stupid vending machine at work can`t recognize my dollar bill with a bent corner...
Yes Grandma, I`m almost positive Arachnophobia is not the fear of people from Iraq
“Was that lightning?” “No no…. they’re taking pictures for Google Earth..”
Yeah he`s still bugging me...he thinks Harass is two words.
Will you go with me to my therapist tomorrow? He thinks I`m making you up.
The only thing worse than having it rain after you wash your car is have to poop as soon as you get out of the shower.
Anything can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
I am not sure, but I think I just heard my cup of coffee say, "You are my b*tch"
Famous words from Fergie... "Boom Boom Pow!" Happy 4th of July!!
"Don`t cry because its over, smile because his new girlfriend looks like a horse."
When we married, she treated me like a God. As time went by, the letters got reversed
Well, I’m bored again. Time to open the fridge
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Write me your opinions on this extra soft paper and leave it next to my toilet.
Hoping that Steve Harvey isn`t the one announcing the winning Powerball numbers tonight!