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Ziploc`s idea of how big a sandwich should be is very different than mine.
Just for kicks I posted "I won the LOTTERY" on Facebook. One girl liked it, then replied to the inbox message I sent her in 2010. *Blocked*
To drink, or not to drink?...what a stupid question!
It’s always hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they’re always taking things literally.
Talking to you makes me invent new swear words.
I hate when my mom tells people I`m 503 months old.
I have Beer.
The cool thing about The Clapper is it doubles as a strobe light during s@x.
Dear future husband, here’s a few things you need to know If you want to be my one and only all my life. I will not be an ex wife .. only a widow
You are not stupid, I just think you have bad luck when thinking.
If a man says you`re ugly, he`s being mean. If a woman says you`re ugly, she`s jealous. If a little kid says you`re ugly, then you`re ugly.
There are only two types of honest people in this world.....small children and drunk people.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent ... I would have to say it’s the kids.
Just saw two homeless guys hitting each other with a piece of cardboard................PILLOW FIGHT!!!!!!
If you`re ever sad, just imagine how much worse it would be to be a tree that spent years and years growing up, only to end up as a Justin Bieber notebook