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Cauliflower is just broccoli ghosts.
I`m really good at using the turkey baster as a sword and getting drunk and not being invited to Thanksgiving anymore.
Thinking about moving to Alabama just so I don’t have to scroll through all those other states when I sign up for websites.
My face hurts from pretending to like you.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2015.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, "Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!"
We all have faults. It`s just that mine are better than yours.
I don`t know why people say "your guess is as good as mine"? ..because my guesses are always better. ;)
I say ” I shouldn’t be telling you this,” at the beginning of every conversation so people will listen to what I’m saying.
What happens when Batman sees Catwoman? The Dark Knight Rises.
If the zombie apocalypse happened in Vegas…would it “stay in Vegas”?
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Missed connection: you were washing your car in a bathing suit. I rode past your house 78 times. You threw a rock at me.
Some people pass through our lives just to teach us not to be like them.
According to the 19 citations I got for trespassing and peeping, “neighborhood watch” isn’t what I thought it was.