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I just found out that checking your credit score actually LOWERS your credit rating. Seriously? That`s like every time you look in the mirror, you get a little bit uglier.
Life is full of disappointments, I`ll just add you to the list.
The best thing about telepathy is... I know, right!?
If I share my food with you, its either because I love you a lot, or because it fell on the floor and I don`t want it.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
You can tell yourself that Sesame Street is educational but Cookie Monster has lived there for like 40 years and still can’t conjugate verbs.
*Food hits floor* Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”King Germ: “No, we must wait 5 seconds!”
Ex Girlfriend: Omg! I had a dream about you last night!! Ex Boyfriend: Aww thats so sweet, what happend? Ex Girlfriend: U died :)
whoever said that there are no stupid questions was stupid
If I can see you, you`re invading my personal space.
Those who tell you not to run with scissors are just trying to steal your scissors. Run.
Government Shutdown: Day Three Jellystone Park still closed. Still no pic-a-nic baskets. Yogi stares at Boo-Boo... Boo-Boo looks tasty.
There is 1 mosquito in my apartment. I have 50 bullets. Let`s dance.
I like to say my kid handles funds for a multi-billion dollar corporation. It`s easier than saying he is a cashier at McDonald`s
I`m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I`ve been to in the last week that`s had "insufficient funds".