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“If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my best” literally translates to “I’m a loud, sloppy drunk.”
I spend 95% of the time out of bed wishing I was back in bed
I`m not saying women are smarter than men, but it`s kinda ironic that there`s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
I will not let people drive me crazy because I know it`s in walking distance.
Wow, I thought “flash mob” meant something completely different. Can someone come bail me out?
Why don`t you slip into something more comfortable, like a coma
Being able to read minds would be incredible...but constantly hearing about how sexy and great I am would probably get old.
True love is biting a slice of pizza when you`re fully aware that it will burn the roof of your mouth.
If you want to call a family meeting just turn off the wifi router and wait in the room in which it is located
NASA has confirmed that December 21, late afternoon, the sky will be very dark. It is an interesting phenomenon called "night".
I`d save a lot more money on car insurance if they quit spending billions on advertising.
Of all the possible utensils that could have been invented to eat rice with... How did 2 sticks win out!?
No need to blind fold me, just hand me my phone and drive, I won`t have a clue how to get back here
*driving behind a cop* Well, well, well. Looks like the tables have turned.
I`ve been around the block a few times.....but only because I was too drunk to find my house.