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Financial status: I hope United Airlines drags me off my flight
To the people that post 15 pics of your kid everyday,your kid looks EXACTLY the same as they did ystrdy,and the day before,and the day before that
Have some fun with your life...call in sick to places you dont even work at.
If you think buying condoms is awkward, try returning them.
The IRS suggests filing early to reduce the chance that someone will steal your identity and file before you. Honestly, if somebody wants my identity so badly they`ll file my tax return for me, go crazy. You can mow my lawn while you`re at it, too.
While waiting for the right person, have fun with the wrong one.
So many idiots, so few nuclear warheads....
There is no such thing as failure. There are only results.
Humans claim to be the superior species, but a penguin can use its own body as a toboggan so who`s the real winner?
People who don`t understand sarcasm are awesome.
"How`s phone reception in the bathroom?" is an important question, but one you just can`t ask on a job interview.
I thought `Pokemon` was a Jamaican Porn... My bad...
Stealing other people`s statuses on Facebook is called a Facelift.
The restraining order doesn`t mean we can`t hangout. It just says I can`t get within 50 ft of you. So you wanna play catch or frisbee or something?
Just discovered an app that tells you which one of your friends is stupid. It`s called Facebook.