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Really had my heart set on waking up rich today.
"I really should buckle down and get my rap album going"-Me, every time I drink
Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?
So many feelings today. Mostly hunger.
“100 Calorie Packs” roughly translated means “Eat Two or Three of These”
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
Everything I like is either: illegal, immoral, fattening, addictive, expensive, or impossible.
If you respond to coworkers asking how your weekend was with turkey noises, they leave you alone.
Any time you feel lonely, remember, its your fault nobody likes you.
Every paper towel commercial just reminds me that the cleanest option is to just not have children.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store clerk asked to come back soon?
This relationship is going to be weird if you keep pretending I`m not your boyfriend.
LIKE if you check your phone to see what time it is and then check it again because the first time you weren’t paying attention.
The Best Excuse given by a Lady for Missing Work ! "My husband took an overdose of Viagra.....Couldn`t leave him alone with the Maid"
I got so much Crazy going on that the term "Bi-Polar" would be excessively underestimating my condition, let`s go with "Multi-Polar" from now on.........