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I think I`m a grown up the same way Dr. Phil is a doctor.
If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I`d have to pick…My girlfriend.
It`s just a mater of time before bathrooms will eventually be called Selfie Rooms
There are dozens of different flavors of ramen noodles, but they all taste like poverty and loneliness.
Nothing says "I`m behind on child support." like 26" spinning rims on an 86 Chevy Malibu.
There’s a thin line between “I should do a status update about that” and “I should talk to a therapist about that”
I can`t decide if people who wear pajamas in public have given up on life or are living it to the fullest.
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always like to write: "Last warning, you have a week to get the rest of the money together."
I can`t help but feel insulted when that voice on the speaker calls me a Walmart shopper.
I once had the desire to do something worthwhile with my life. Then I discovered naps.
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
I don`t need drugs to have a good time, I need them to focus, avoid depression, endure winter, fall asleep, and controll my high blood pressure
Answering your cell when you don`t recognize the number is like picking up a hitchhiker.
Highways need 4 lanes per side - A NASCAR wannabe lane, a normal driver lane, an old people who drive 40 in a 70 lane & a "where in the hell am I?" lane.
Apparently asking girl scouts which cookie pairs nicely with whiskey is inappropriate....