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I`m at my most judgmental when standing behind someone in a buffet line.
How easily you’re offended is directly proportional to how dumb you are.
How old were you when you found out your parents were using Santa Claus as a behavior-modification tool?
The sense of success when you’ve had something stuck between your teeth and you manage to free it after 25 mins of tactical tongue pressure.
You know it`s way past your bed time when the 1-800-dial-a-hoe commercials come on.
I wonder how long I`ll be skinny from all this dieting and juicing I`ve been doing. 1 month? A year? A couple of ye....ooh look cake.
It`s everyone`s favorite holiday season where we try to guess if that was a firework or gunshot
"Lets hang out sometime" -liars.
My friend said "hey that girl has a nice butt" I said "yes i bet she can sit down excellently "
I bet if there were little basketball hoops above every garbage can, littering would greatly decrease.
Today I saw a girl with the word "Anel" on her butt. I was like, woah..it`s supposed to say "Anal"..it`s spelled wrong then I realized it was supposed to say "Angel". The G was stuck in her a$$crack
They`re having a Jamaican hair-do day tomorrow at work. I`m dreading it.
You`re more inbred than sandwhich filler.
People always say, "You can`t have your cake and eat it too." I say, "Of course you can. Just make two cakes!"
I`ve been texting so much lately that I move my thumbs from side to side when I`m actually talking to someone.