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Somedays I could do without the life lesson
I don`t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night. In my defense I didn`t even know I was driving.
Two things I am thankful for: 1: Family and friends. 2: Caller ID, so I can avoid certain family and friends.
A new study says schizophrenia and pot smoking are genetically linked — but don`t worry, another study says you`re just being paranoid.
Reasons why I never let my girlfriend touch my phone. 1. I don`t have a girlfriend.
Why did you have to take a half naked picture in front of a full length mirror to show off your new haircut?
My exercise routine consists of doing diddly squats.
Life is far too short to remove the USB safely.
So far, I am 100% at believing what happened next on Facebook links.
Everytime someone says "Expect the unexpected" I like to punch them in the face and say "not as easy as it sounds, now is it?"
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it`s fun to push things down the stairs.
The only reason I keep people`s phone numbers in my phone is to avoid their calls..
Pro Tip: If you knock on the door to a bathroom stall and someone says "one second," wait more than one second before entering.
Why can`t we just change the spelling to fit the way it sounds: Bologna = Bolony Lasagna = lasania knife= nife tsunami = sunami politician = a$$hole