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I think I`m gonna shave my legs so that there`s less wind resistance when I run to the fridge for a beer.
The guy below me obviously doesn`t know that R2-D2 is in movies, not television
I can`t wait for a empty Christmas wrapping paper tube to bonk someone over the head with!
Worries about the economy grow again after the world`s biggest yacht-selling company announce a drop in sails
Always have a goal... Example: Turn as much alcohol into urine as you can.
On the outside, I`m smiling...because on the inside, I`m imagining beating you senseless with Hulk Smash Hands.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER... USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN...
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words "wet and slippery" at work all day without anyone thinking I`m a big perv.
Why is the guy who serves you at the restaurant called a waiter, when it is you that is waiting?
Don’t be too flattered. If I’ve come up a fun nickname for you, chances are it’s because I’ve forgotten your real name. Sorry, Cowboy.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account.
I swear 90% of the contacts in my phone are useless.
The girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy.. so I went out and got drunk.
love a girl with a trimmed bush because it makes it easier to see into her window at night.
I always learn from mistakes of others, who took my advice.