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Whenever I`m on the phone with someone I like to scream "WAIT DON`T HANG UP" right as they`re hanging up & then not answer when they call back.
Stairs are like rock climbing after a bottle of vodka.
the jeremy kyle show, the only place you`ll see a six month old baby with more teeth than thier parents
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors and all of them got laid.
I often wonder how things worked out for that guy who grabbed the bull by the horns.
If you`ve never put fake blood capsules in your mouth before going to the dentist you are too mature to be my friend.
Women are fascinated by mythical creatures like unicorns, vampires, and men who are good listeners...
You know you`re broke when your bank flags deposits as suspicious activity.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
The easiest way to escape a conversation is to interrupt the other person and say "this conversation is going great" every few seconds
I`m sorry. Putting up with your sh!t isn`t on my To-Do list today.
Ok everyone enough of your "family" time, come back to the internet. We are your real family.
If you fall, I`ll be there - Floor
Laughter is the best medicine, but if you are laughing for no reason, you might need medicine.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.