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I shook the vending machine until my chips fell, so yeah, I’m a hunter-gatherer.
It`s amazing how much people are willing to lower their eating standards when you insert the word "free" in front of the word "food".
OH NO !,,,,,,,,, I just realized I can`t stop calling the addiction hotline....
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?” Facebook is worse than my parents.
Shout out to old people for graduating high school without Google.
I finally found a simple and easy way to deal with my weight problem. I threw my scale out.
Wait, carjacking doesn`t mean masturbating in my vehicle? Then no, I didn`t get arrested for carjacking.
Hello everyone. Look at your status, now back to mine, now back to yours, now back to mine. Sadly, yours isn’t mine. But if you stopped posting about other things and made this your status, yours could be like mine. Look down, back up. Where are you? You’re on Facebook, reading the status your status could be like.
My ex has had a really hard time moving on. From what I can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
The worst form of Alzheimer’s is when you walk out of the kitchen and forget to grab a beer.
You know you had an awesome night when you need sunglasses to get food out the fridge.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I`m at her place showing her how to open it.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
A guy had his whole left side torn off, the doctor said he`s all right.
Of all the advice given to me over the years, “There really is no bad time for a beer” has proved to be the most helpful.