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My wife said she expects the house to be clean by the time she walks in the door so I changed all of the locks.
I`m here to pick you up when you fall. Whether I tripped you is another thing...
I love you all so much right now because, well, alcohol.
So what the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. Their house paint is peeling.
I suspect my gravestone will have a pretty serious urine discoloration not long after I`m gone.
says if you don`t like the way I live my life, than there is some good news... you aren`t me!!
The more photos you have to untag, the better the weekend was.
Shouldn`t we get paid to use the self-service checkouts in supermarkets? It`s like we work there for a little while.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
I finally quit eating pizza for good, now I only eat pizza for evil.
OK look, if I meet you for a date and you don`t look anything like your pic, then you`re buying drinks for me until you do.
If you can`t handle me at my worst, then that sucks because that`s all there is to me.
I just made an emergency survival kit. You know, for emergencies. It looks like all my other kits, but don`t be fooled; this one is red and has more liquor.
Mosquito`s and parking inspectors must be from the same family...
Men at 25 play football. Men at 40 play tennis. Men at 60 play golf. Have you noticed that as you get older your balls get smaller?