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I always keep a google search for "how to find anyone, anywhere, and kill them" open on my phone in case anyone steals it.
So, I bought a wok to cook healthy food and I have to say, these french fries don`t taste any different.
The hardest thing about looking for work is the sobriety.
Be thankful for stupid people, they make it easier for the rest of us to get ahead in life.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.
If you go shopping at Walmart and no one stares at you as you walk by, you`re one of them.
People saying "Laugh my a$$ off" and still having an a$$ next time I see them is the reason I have trust issues.
I don`t have a drinking problem, I just celebrate everything! Like the fact that shirts have armholes, I`ll be celebrating that tonight.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim.
The only thing worse than having it rain after you wash your car is have to poop as soon as you get out of the shower.
Just saw a guy driving while eating ice cream. F*cking sundae drivers.
What idiot decided it should be my foot`s asleep instead of coma toes?
Sometimes I watch sports holding an xbox controller just to screw with my girlfriend`s head.
I can`t turn water into wine, but I can turn vodka into dinner
I love in horror movies how the person yells out "hello?!" as if the killer is gonna say "yeah I´m in the kitchen, want a sandwich?"