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Sometimes I like to go to the hardware store and run around with a screwdriver shouting, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is not a drill!"
Honk if you are reading this.
Women can brutally and methodically destroy your life. But they let you see their tits along the way so it`s totally cool.
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets, are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
If you ever find lotion on a guy`s night stand, it`s not because he wants to moisturize his skin.
It`s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your sh!t together, every other vegetable.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is that you`re ignorant and make bad decisions.
I`m always on the verge of running three miles, or drinking a bottle of Vodka
If a man says you’re ugly he’s being mean. If a woman says you’re ugly she’s envious. If a little kid says you’re ugly, you’re ugly.
Facebook should have a limit on times you can change your relationship status... After 3 it should default to "Unstable"
I looked up "thesaurus" in my thesaurus and it says "Don`t be a smart-a$$".
The mailman just delivered an 8-track of Boz Skaggs Greatest Hits. I guess this fulfills my Columbia House obligation.
The naked truth, is always better than someone’s best dressed lie.
When it comes to speaking Spanish I know the essentials. "Taco, nacho, burrito, cheeto, frito & no comprendo."