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The moment you stop giving a damn is the moment things get easier and better.
You can`t fix stupid but you can divorce it
What is it about a car that makes people think we can’t see them pick their nose?
I gave up on humanity when I picked up this girl`s phone and saw that my number was saved as Free Food.
Beer is like sex. When it’s good it’s good…when it’s bad it’s still pretty good.
*puts selfie on top of christmas tree because I am the star*
My wife went home to visit her mother today. Or as I refer to it. Her “bitch refresher course”.
I kinda dig you, want to hang out and stuff until we hate each other?
Plot twist: WebMD says you`re just thirsty
The toughest part of a diet isn’t watching what you eat…It’s watching what other people eat.
Before coffee: Hates everybody. After coffee: Feels good about hating everybody.
Not trying to be racist or ignorant but... seriously, all crocodiles and alligators look alike.
Coffee gives me the illusion I`m actually awake
GAL: Would you keep me in your heart forever? BOY: Nop! GAL: (sadly)...why? BOY: Because then you`ll occupy only one part of me...but i`ll keep you in my heart, mind & let you complete me.
I eat my salad without dressing because who has time to put on clothes...