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Cauliflower is just broccoli ghosts.
Sometimes I speak in a different font but no one ever notices.
Let`s run away together.. Lol jk, I don`t run anywhere.
The expiration date on my credit card is 4/20 and it always gets a good laugh when Im ordering pizza for delivery.
There is no such thing as a stupid question, but there are such things as stupid people who ask questions.
“A body at rest tends to stay at rest” should be an acceptable excuse for missing work.
If you take bites out of string cheese rather than rip strings off , you don`t f*cking deserve string cheese.
Health experts recommend a 1500 calorie diet. For those of you not good with math... that’s a 12-pack of 125 calorie beers. You`re welcome!!! ;)
When people on Facebook say they lost their phone and need everyone’s numbers again, I text them: “Guess who?” for 2 weeks.
I have every episode of Hoarders saved on DVD.
Nothing changes a Facebook relationship status faster than a weekend full of tagged photos!
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten. When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that sh!t.
That awkward moment when your parents don’t appreciate the hilarious child they have.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Look up procrastinator on Wikipedia. There’s a picture of me. Well there isn’t yet, but there will be. Probably by tomorrow. Maybe Tuesday.