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I’m not shy, I’m holding back my awesomeness, so I don’t intimidate you.
It`s just a mater of time before bathrooms will eventually be called Selfie Rooms
That moment when you offer somebody a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she`s not your friend anymore
My weekends are basically just spent splitting a bloomin` onion with my bros at Outback Steakhouse while trying to figure out why girls don`t like us.
Marriage is like friends without benefits.
A slug is just a divorced snail.
I bet Snowmen think it`s weird that the ground is completely covered in their skin.
I didn`t mean to offend you, that was just a bonus.
As i get older i realize I do a LOT more YOGA...attempting to tie my shoelaces
I can`t help but feel important when someone says there`s a special place in hell for people like me.
When you are a kid, it makes you feel proud when someone says "Wow! You`ve gotten so big since I last saw you!" As an adult, not so much.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Back in my day it was called daydreaming…not ADHD.
If you grew up wanting to be a Plumber or a Pizza delivery boy, You watched too much porn as a kid.
I am woman, hear me say the opposite of what I mean in that tone that means you`d better do what I meant and not what I said.