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All I`m saying is that the cheese grater wouldn`t have 4 sides if they wanted you to wash it after every use.
When we catch the people who kill elephants & rhinos, can we pull all their teeth first?
My spirit animal is that chicken who keeps crossing the road for reasons no one can figure.
There are two types of people in the world: 1. People who understand and appreciate sarcasm. 2. Morons.
If I share my food with you, its either because I love you a lot, or because it fell on the floor and I don`t want it.
I can`t stand people who blame everyone else for their problems....I`d be successful and happy by now if it wasn`t for them!!!!
My parents told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!” so I turned on the subtitles.
Of all the lies I`ve told in my life, "Just kidding" is my favorite.
Mondays are middle finger approved
Mustaches: 1. Like them or not? 2. Should you refuse to go out on a date with someone just because she has one?
Time to be an adult and give up my bath time rubber ducky. I´m upgrading to the tugboat!
I did not mean to hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I just figured you already knew.
I super glue one jar of pickles shut and leave it out at the barbecue then watch the humiliation unfold.
Thanks for the free weekend offer E-Harmony but my wife said I can`t use it.
The person before me got $0.57 worth of gas. My day doesn`t seem so bad now.