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The most annoying are those people in great shape at the gym…. I’m like, “What are you doing here? You’re done.”
To the guys complaining about lack of sex from their woman: supply & demand. Supply better product, they`ll demand it more. -Bfanch
Just drove past the house where I lost my virginity. There wasn`t even a plaque or anything. Pretty ridiculous if you ask me.
Telling a girl to calm down is like trying to baptize a cat.
One day you will die, but every other day you won’t. So that’s pretty great, right? ... Inspirational posts are hard.
Dear New Years Resolutions People; You don`t have to wait for the New Year to get your sh*t together and become a better person.
I’m pretty much always down for a snack.
I wonder how long I`d be on hold if my call wasn`t important to them.
Cop: Been drinking tonight, ma`am? Me: No, I`m just dizzy b/c I`m having a heavy flow day. It`s really clotty and... Cop: You`re free to go.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
I can`t remember if I have any repressed memories.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can hear them misspelling words?
ME- I love it when you lay me down like that, the way you touch my belly and put cold things on me baby DOCTOR- Miss this is a medical examination and you are making me extremely uncomfortable
I dig, she digs, he digs, they dig, we dig. its not a good poem but its really deep.
I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything? Well...my phone number for a start