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79% of accidents happen in the home....... Finally, good news for the homeless
Two girls riding their bikes on a cobble stone road. 1st girl: I never came this way before. 2nd girl: Me neither. It must be the cobble stones.
Girls say they want a guy who is funny and spontaneous but when I tap on the window at night dressed as a clown it’s all panic and screaming.
Me: Mom…Dad. I’ve decided to live on my own from now on. Parents: Ok, cool. Me: Your luggage is outside.
I had 3 happy meals today and none of them worked.
Meanwhile on Facebook, someone has made a casserole...
I don’t always have a cool Facebook status, but when I do, an older relative ruins it with a lame comment.
I`m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
You can never really say `what`s on your mind` when you have family members on your Facebook.
If someone says they`ll always be there for you...make sure you find out exactly where "there" is.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a medication bottle and see "May cause extreme sexiness."
Just bought an exercise bike today because my treadmill works fine for laying my pants on, but it won`t accommodate hanging shirts on hangers.
You never know how dirty a song’s lyrics are…until you hear a child sing them.
I like when people call me "Sir". I just wish they wouldn`t follow it up with "you`re making a scene."
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon