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Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Why is it that people who drink energy drinks seem like the people with the least amount of stuff going on?
String cheese is the sexiest of the cheeses. It’s like you get to undress it.
Mom: How are your grades this semester? Me:.... Mom:.... Me: Mother what`s important is that we have our health
It`s like my bank account doesn`t understand me at all.
My doctor told me to start killing people. Well it wasn`t those exact words. He said I needed to reduce the stress in my life.
If a dentist makes his money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should I trust a toothpaste that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?
So, which one of you is going to be the subject of your local news` annual turkey fryer accident story?
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it`s considered responsible. But if you do that with your gf, it`s called "cheating."
You know one thing i really like about you is that you dont like anything about me.
I saw a comedian one time who did nothing but make geography puns. talk abbottabad act.
Just saw two homeless guys hitting each other with a piece of cardboard................PILLOW FIGHT!!!!!!
I`ll admit I`m not perfect but what did the horse I rode in on do?
My wife looks super hot without glasses. That’s why I stopped wearing them.
I already know that I`m going to hell ... At this point it`s really go big or go home.