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Some women need to realize that showing cleavage doesn`t fix your face.
My doctor asked me if I drink to excess. I told him I would drink to anything.
What do sleeping and sex have in common? I`m not getting nearly enough of either.
Got interrupted downloading the new version of iTunes by a pop up that asked if I wanted to download the even newer version of iTunes.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
If I`ve learned anything from Facebook, it`s that you shouldn`t be learning on Facebook.
Without facebook: more sleep, less drama, and a life!
When I was younger I thought I was bipolar. Turns out I was just an a$$hole who was happy about it.
Smile, it´s the second best thing you can do with your lips.
I`ve been working on losing weight, I was doing Jenny Craig for awhile........till her husband found out (<>..<>)
I give great marriage advice if you want to be divorced.
My wife just bought a $50 bottle of shampoo. So guys, party at my house this weekend because apparently we won the Lottery!!!
I just want to be famous enough to have a Wikipedia page full of misinformation about me.
I refuse to celebrate Earth Day until Wind & Fire are recognized.
On the 14th of December I`m going to call people and say "7 Days" then hang up...