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I never meant to be so cold, I never meant to be so cold. - Mother nature
I had a really funny joke, but autocorrect ruined the lunchtime.
"Lazy" is a strong word. I prefer to call it selective participation.
In actuality, Batman is just a more violent and dark version of Inspector Gadget.
I’m actually not funny. I’m just really mean & people think I’m joking.
When someone says to me great minds think alike, I just look at them and think “you dirty bastard”.
I got BOMBED last night and decided to do my own taxes and guess what! I`m getting 4 million dollars back this year!
If I had known "cuties" were little oranges when my wife asked me to "bring a few home," I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
If you ever get a flat tire, take a picture of it on your phone so for future reference you can use it as a valid excuse.
Life advice: Enjoy the f*ck out of it. It`s that simple.
I`m disgusted by the thought of people updating their status while sitting on the toilet like I am right now.
She lost me at, "I don`t watch football."
Most people who think I`m a nice person have no idea that I`d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
My memory foam has amnesia
If you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape.