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Look UPS guy, you can`t just show up at someone`s house unannounced and expect them to have pants on.
The loudest possible way to open a bag of chips is to try and do it quietly.
Hard work never killed anyone but why risk it?
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life`s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Sometimes I wish you could ask the pharmacist to "make it a double".
Wow! Sit-Downs are way easier than Sit-Ups!
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Huh, So you are telling me that these straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress? And not for what I`ve been using them for all this time?
Time travel means never having to say you`re sorry...
With great power comes a great electricity bill.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards, it`s an uplifting film about dinosaurs and people who work together to rebuild an island.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for "coffee," first make sure she has coffee, you don`t want to get up there and there`s no coffee.
I`m glad that we as humans settled on the hand shake as a greeting instead of the whole ass sniffing thing.
MY MISSION IS COMPLETE!!! I have successfully wasted a little bit of your time today :) carry on!
Dear Social Media, thanks for showing me that I can like people. So long as I don`t have to see, touch, or smell them.