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Business Plan: 1. Hold sign that says "Free Hugs" 2. Whisper during the hug, "it`s $50 to let go"
So, all theses years I thought it was the dyer making my shirts not fit. now I`m pretty sure it the refrigerator.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger. So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex`s car.
He is proud of himself. He finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years.
Hold boobs not grudges.
Guys if you ever want to imagine what a woman’s mind feels like imagine a browser with 2,859 tabs open. All. The. F*cking. Time.
People who don’t like pizza are people you don’t need in your life.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did, not screaming for their lives like the passengers in the back of his truck
“Don’t make me regret this.” -things I think when accepting a friend request.
I’m taking care of my procrastination issues; just you wait and see.
I wish I could commute by roller coaster.
Hey ladies, tired of your man complaining about how long it takes you to get ready? Start blow drying your hair in the nude. I promise no more complaints.
We can land a rover on an asteroid, but they can`t make a can of shaving cream that doesn`t spill 1/10th of it`s contents after every use.
This is the only way I know how to correctly use a semi-colon ;)
Those "Speed Enforced by Aircraft" signs don`t understand how eager I am to get pulled over by an F-16.