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Iām not drunk, Iām just exhausted from drinking all night.
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When i quized him on it, he reckoned he could stop aaaany time . . . .
"I really should buckle down and get my rap album going"-Me, every time I drink
I prefer my kale with a silent "K"
So how many women out there think men are pigs? Gimme a show of tits!
Today I am thankful for dirty text messages, stripclubs, and Jack Daniels
It`s friday!! I smell vodka ;)
Big shoutout to my neighbors, who left their back door open accidentally, when I needed a few things and didn`t want to go to the store...
Why do people post pictures of missing people on facebook?...like we are going outside.
My idea of getting lucky is having someone else do the laundry.
One time I was in a bar and there was this really weird guy pouring booze all over his hand. Turned out he was trying to get his date drunk
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn`t act the way he wanted.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she`s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
The fastest way to being happy is to make other people happy. You go first.
Jogging with a stroller is great exercise! And hard work for whoever is pushing me.