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Million dollar idea: Duck Dynasty chia pets.
Does anyone else make transformer noises when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
On your birthday I think the Airlines should let you exit the plane on the inflatable slide.
Nothing screams "I don`t care about being on time for work" like hopping on Facebook first thing in the morning.
"I like your tree`s earring." ... "That`s a tire swing."
When a woman asks you to guess her age, it`s like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb.
The grass is always greener over the septic tank
I slept on the sofa last night which is weird because I`m not even married.
I do not argue, I explain why I’m right.
The irony of all this is, the internet was created to save us time...
My therapist recommended I quit growling at people...
I’m jealous of a book character for having sex with another character but sure come ask my advice about your marriage.
I’m in big trouble if my coworkers find out that I really don’t have Tourette’s
I`m on a whiskey diet. So far I`ve lost 3 days.
All I need right now is a hug ... And five hundred thousand dollars in cash.