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I`m actually a really good driver, when Facebook is down.
As long as everything is exactly the way I want it. I am totally fleible.
Remember, You’re only young once, but you can be immature forever.
One day my fridge will take revenge on me by opening my bedroom door every half hour, staring at me for a few minutes and then leave.
To clear a pop-up ad online, I was just forced to agree that "I don`t care about being healthy and smelling clean."
At the end of the day, life should ask us, Do you want to save the changes?
Taking a nap is always so risky like when will I wake up... In 30 minutes? in 3 hours? in 9 years?? no one can be sure
Woke up to gun shots this morning. Luckily my wife has horrible aim.
Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
I’ve got bad news: Today is not Friday, Tomorrow is not Friday, Even the day after tomorrow is not Friday.
Now working on my 2nd million. I gave up on the first.
May your life someday be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
Damn, it`s like these people have never seen anyone bring a flask to the gym before.
My Kid: Can we go to a haunted house this year? Me: What`s wrong with the one we live in? My Kid: WHAT?! Me: Goodnight, son.
What do women want? The opposite of whatever they have.