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The guy that thought of wrapping other food items in bacon deserves an award.
I can’t hang out tonight because I’m done with people for the day.
About 110,000 people contract chlamydia each month, more than signed up for Obamacare. Obamacare is less popular than chlamydia.
Sometimes I worry that eating pizza isn`t a real sport.
Marriage is something you should pay for and divorce should be free. You might think twice before buying into it.
The "best part of waking up" doesn`t even make sense.
If I’ve learned anything in my twenty-two years on this earth, it’s that it’s okay to lie about your age.
I wonder what I did in a previous life to get reincarnated as me...
I hate it when someone starts to tell me something, then says "Never Mind".
Why do I get the feeling that a lot of adults nowadays who ask kids "What do you want to be when you grow up?" are just trying to come up with some ideas?
Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I`m driving.
I declare today, “Hit that dumb person you’ve always wanted to punch in the face day.”
Whoever said "What goes around, comes around", never passed around a bag of Doritos......................
I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on carpet, but only for like 20 seconds...
I don`t care how loud I`m laughing, I`m having fun and you`re not.