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PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese`s Pieces. Oh, and my wife`s really being a bitch.
Mom: "Why is everything on the floor?" Me: "Gravity, Mom."
Alway be nice to anyone that has full access to your toothbrush.
Cashiers are always checking me out.
Women spend more time thinking about what men think than men actually spend thinking.
I’ve thought long and hard, and have decided on my New Year’s resolution ... 1024×768.
Is it too late to wrap myself up like a baby and drop myself off on a billionaire’s doorstep?
Sometimes I wanna copy someone´s status word for word and see if they notice.
Happy Hallogivemas!!!!!! It`s the time of year when the stores sell Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas stuff all on ONE aisle!
Tonight, I`m bringing Sexy back! I just hope I don`t need a receipt...
When a movie says "Based on a true story." it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
It doesn`t take much to make a woman happy, but it takes even less to make her mad.
People who make really bad decisions are always like "I have the worst luck"
If you need Facebook to remind you it`s your wife`s birthday, I hope you own a comfortable couch.
I`ll never join one of those dating sites. I prefer to meet someone the old fashioned way. By alcohol & bad decisions.