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Of all the things I have lost in life I mis my mind the most
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I`ve learned that I don`t need to use so many paper towels, and they`re expensive.
My friends think I never listen to their opinions... like I give a sh*t what they think.
Just been wondering what "please Do Not Touch" would be in Braille
I’m going to the gym because I heard they have free weights. I wonder how many they’ll let me take?
I plan on being up really late tonight making voodoo dolls for, well, nevermind, you will know who you are soon enough
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years? Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
I’m not high maintenance, but rather precious cargo with lavish instruction for upkeep.
Mirrors don`t lie. Lucky for you, they can`t laugh either.
I think I speak for everyone when I say we hate being spoken for.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Nobody really dates anymore. You just make eye contact, text, hang out, and next thing you know all her clothes are in your closet....
Some people wonder why I never like or comment on their posts. It’s because I unfollowed you a long time ago.
No Grandma, "sausage fest" is not a new special breakfast at IHOP
I love giving orders. My favorite is "Another one. And make it a double."