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The worst part about calling in for a sick day is the pressure of knowing you only have one shot to do the “I’m sick” voice.
Happiness is the journey, not the destination, and when you reach your destination, ie; bottom of a beer, you must embark on a new journey, ie; get another beer........
"I got this." Translated: I most certainly do not have this, but prepare to be thoroughly entertained.
Sometimes I think my job is actually a hidden-camera game show where they see how much absurd bullsh!t I`ll put up with before I catch on.
All other things being equal, tall people use more soap.
Maybe the reason the world keeps making idiots famous is because 75% of the world is made up of idiots.
Being able to eat while watching Hannibal makes you more of a psychopath than anyone on the show.
I wonder whether I can trust doctors with dead plants in the waiting room.
Some people`s lives are like open books... Mine is like a trashcan without a lid.
Fact: No one has ever "Jumped in the shower."
I love the gym this time of year. The newbies make me look like a Victoria Secret model.
Kids today will never appreciate how difficult it used to be finding pictures of naked people.
Found a note on my door today that said ”You’re Awesome!” ... Yes, I wrote it yesturday. But still, the truth is the truth.
Oops, I must have put my personalities on "shuffle"
"I can`t wait to have you inside me," I whispered softly to my dinner.