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I`ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
Just came to the realization that with their ridiculous fees, I`m tipping my ATM more than my bartender.
No matter how old you are ... swingsets are cool.
You know when you`re exercising and feel like you could keep going and going? That`s happening to me, only with beer.
I keep graphic, full frontal nude pictures of myself on my cell phone in case anyone ever hacks it. That`ll teach `em.
If Starbucks delivered, I would be a morning person.
I decided I really need to read more. I watch way to much TV ... So I turned on the subtitles.
It`s always nice to be called Pretty in the morning. So what if he was hiding behind the trash wearing no pants.
Instead of `What`s on your mind?` Facebook should say `Just relax on the couch and tell me all about your problems. Don`t worry, nobody will know`..
I will pay good money to anyone who can take me from work, make it look like an abduction and tuck me back into bed.
Women use sex to get stuff, men lose stuff because of sex.
If your life ever seems boring just remember that you are on a rock floating in outer space.
Braille dictionary for sale. Must see to appreciate.
Note to Self: These Note to Selves don’t work.
Elevator music bothers me on so many levels