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Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
3 horrible facts: 1. Today is not Friday... 2. Tomorrow is not Friday... 3. The day after tomorrow is not Friday...
You do realize everyone can see your status right?
I drank an energy drink so if anyone needs help packing, pushing your car to a gas station or shaking the leaves off a tree
THESE NACHOS ARE THE BOMB! …..and that’s how I got my nachos taken away at the airport.
It`s a shame that stupidity can`t be converted into a usable energy source.
I don`t just burn bridges, I drain the lake, fill it with concrete, and build a shopping mall on that bitch!
Hello customer service, I ate two happy meals and I’m still not happy
I checked my calendar, and I won`t give a f*ck tomorrow either.
Did the Baha Men ever find their dogs? Did they put up posters or just sing that song?
Just once I want someone to make a movie that’s sideways on the screen so I can watch it laying down without getting a kink in my neck.
Bad news, guys. Throwing a cat through a wall doesn`t make a funny, cat-shaped hole. jk
If you walk a mile in my shoes the least you can do is leave a pair of yours to wear.
A homeless man just asked me if I was having a bad hair day, so I took my dollar back.
If you`re ever worried there`s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. If no one laughs, there`s no one there