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I can`t wait to get one of those self-driving cars to watch my wife argue with it.
The only correct answer to "Are you ticklish?" is "I have explosive diarrhea right now,"
If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I’m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
Are headaches the result of time spent with woman or is it purely a coincidence?
My bank account is more like a countdown to my homelessness
Well it`s about time I get in line for that Star Wars movie
If I don’t talk to myself, who will?
I told my family that I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle…So, they got up, unplugged my computer, and threw out my wine.
i just peed so hard that I laughed a little bit
Famous words from Fergie... "Boom Boom Pow!" Happy 4th of July!!
Do strippers have nightmares where they are in front of a large crowd with their clothes on?
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
If owls are so smart, how come they don`t say "Whom"?
My dinner stomach is full, but my dessert stomach still has room.
I don`t like people who hate certain group of people. But I get along very well with people who hate everybody equally.